What did that baby do to my body?????

Women with children will read this with sympathy, empathy, and compassion. The rest of you will read this and wonder how my husband is still attracted to me.  My feelings on the topic oscillate between the two periodically. 

Getting pregnant and having a baby was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to my body. 

The good: because I got fat, I had to start exercising regularly to lose it, and now am in the best shape of my life.

The bad (how long do you have?):

I got fat.  Although I managed to lose the weight, plus some, my body isn't the same. I swear my stomach was flatter before, even though I weigh less now. What kind of crap is that?

My boobies have not only shrunk, but plunged to their death. They are just so sad now.  So. So. Sad.

My hips pop all the time. I am guessing this is due to how much they had to spread to allow for the passage of my son's gigantic head. I can never sneak up on someone again.

I pee my pants.  Not all the time, but more than I am comfortable with. A lot of moms have this happen when they laugh too hard or sneeze. Mine occurs when I work out, which I now have to do.  Every single day during warmups at boot camp, while doing jumping jacks, I have to run to the bathroom as fast as I can. The problem is, by the time I get there, it is already too late.  Then I get to hang out in my pee pants for the next hour.  I find some comfort in the fact that I'm not alone; see the video below. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKzq1upNIgU

I have wrinkles. Crows feet, forehead creases, smile lines, I got 'em all. Now, I understand part of this is just getting older, but I didn't suddenly age 15 years in the last 16 months....or did I?

I had a grey hair. I say had because I yanked it from my head with ninja-like speed. It was wiry and about the same length as my son's life. Maybe there is no connection here either, but the timing is suspicious. 

I sprained my ankle. You may say, "that doesn't make any sense," but stay with me for a minute. You see, the birth of my son has led to a reduction in my consumption of alcoholic beverages. This lack of consumption has led to a lower tolerance for alcohol. Also, gaining weight while pregnant and no longer working full-time has led to a lack of coordination in high heels. These two things together, combined with mass quantities of alcohol and a pair of heels, led to a fall, which sprained my ankle. 

As I write this, I am thinking I will print a copy every year on Davis' birthday so he can be reminded of the sacrifices that were made so he can live. I think he will really appreciate the part about my boobs. 

Water Sports

Davis is a fish.  Well, a fish who doesn't swim yet...but that is not his fault.  I am trying to get him enrolled in swim lessons so he can show me what he is really made of.  In the meantime, the splash pad and water table will have to suffice. 

I had to censor this last one so he doesn't have another reason to hate me when he is a teenager.

First World Problems

Over the weekend I was enjoying a nice cold beer in a jacuzzi (rough life) solving all of the world's problems with a group of friends.  During this chat they all started talking about how the pool cabana at the club they belong to is under construction, and rather than serving their food on trays, they bring them in a paper bag.  The horror!  Now, I'm not judging or faulting these friends.  In fact, if I were paying the dues for this club, I would not only expect my food to be brought out on a sterling sliver tray with a doily, but I would also require 1, maybe 2, scantily dressed, very muscular men to fan me while I got some sun.  Maybe some spritzes of water too.

I turned to Steve while they were talking and said, "Ahhh...first world problems."  This got me thinking about other first word problems we (meaning me) like to complain about.

The practical problems:
1. My bed is too comfortable; it makes it hard to get up in the morning.
2. The dishwasher is full and now I have to do the rest of these by hand.
3. The hot water heater must be turned up too high; my shower was really hot.
4. It's too cold in here.  Will someone turn up the A/C?
5. My wireless internet is being temperamental.

The personal problems:
1. I'm bored and there is nothing on TV.
2. I have a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear.
3. The fridge is full but nothing sounds good.
4. My son has too many toys.
5. I broke a nail and now my manicure is ugly. (Don't laugh, this really happened to me.)

(Also, notice the cut on my middle finger.  So annoying.  But that is a different story for a different day.) 

Spoiled brat problems:
1. The Lexis is in the shop and they gave me a Toyota as a loaner.
2. The hotel on this free 4 star vacation could be nicer.
3. The nanny put my clean laundry away in the wrong drawers. (I am embarrassed to say, I have actually said this.)
4. I need a vacation from my vacation.
5. My house is so hard to keep clean because it is so big.

What a hard life we live, my friends.  I'm just proud of each of you for finding the strength to get through another day.

Eat your heart out CrossFit; you've got nothing on this workout.

I woke up to this little gem on my Facebook timeline and it changed my life so much that I felt the need to share it with my nearest and dearest....you!  Take a look and then I will share my thoughts.

First things first.  Let's address the camel in the room.  Doesn't that hurt?!?!?!?  Pick your crotch woman!

Why didn't I think of the cardigan and costume jewelery as proper exercise attire?  This whole time I've been wearing "work-out" clothes probably looking like a real dumbass.

Just when I thought this couldn't get any better, I ventured to www.prancercise.com   .  Do yourself a huge favor and click on that link.

Due to the fact that she has an entire page on her site dedicated to "Legal," and I have a feeling she has the time to search for her business name on a regular basis, I'm going to stop here.

If anyone needs me, I will be at the city golf course doing my new workout. 

Remember: "A punch into space is better than a punch in the face."

Back in the saddle again!

Lately I have had a to-do list about 846 items long and have only accomplished 1 or 2.  To put this in perspective, one of the items was to get Davis a haircut, and he is almost due for another. 

What have I done in the meantime, you ask?  Very, very important things like:

1.  Look for new blogs to read.  This is a very lengthy process because I need to first read a few posts to make sure they are funny enough before I commit.  I take this very seriously.  No time for the unfunny.  

2.  Shop online.  Kate Spade was featured on Gilt Group.  It was out of my control.  I am weak.

3.  Drink the new Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas and Straw-Ber-Ritas.  O.M.G.  And at 8% alcohol, it doesn't take many.

4.  Cook.  I have made all kinds of goodies lately.

5.  Try to lose these last few pounds.  This is proving difficult due to numbers 3 and 4.

6.  Study and take my Group Instruction certification exam.  (Actually, this was on the list.  Hot damn!)

7.  Watch Prison Break.  I know we are about 7 years late, but Steve and I are hooked.  The first couple seasons were good and now it feels more like a job.  Only about 8 episodes to go...

While reading new blogs, I became inspired.  I miss blogging.  I miss telling strangers what's on my mind.  So, I am recommitting.  I will blog several times a week.  I will be funny, witty, smart, and maybe snarky.  I am going to rename this little site of mine...now I just have to think of a name.

So hold on tight blogosphere......Kristi's back in the saddle.    

Just going for a walk....nbd.

As Steve and Davis were walking around the house with his alligator push toy, Steve yelled my name and I turned around to see this:

The first time I saw it, I immediately started cheering as loud as I could which made Davis hysterically belly laugh.  I wish I had that on video!  

Just piece these two videos together and pretend:

Yee-Haw!

The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo just ended, and it definitely did not disappoint.  This was the second year that Steve and I have been on a committee (Go Speaker's Committee!), which means that we volunteer leading up to the Show, and in return, receive badges that give us unlimited access.  Last year, I had a newborn so the only event I made it to was the BBQ cook-off.  But this year, ahhh this year, I definitely got my money's worth!

First I went to the BBQ cook-off which is a massive party.  When I say massive, I'm not exaggerating.  There are hundreds of teams, each with their own tent, and tens of thousands of people who come out to eat BBQ, drink adult beverages, and have a fabulous time!  Steve was away for the weekend, so I tagged along with some friends.

 

Then, Steve and I went with some friends of ours to see Zac Brown Band.  I always liked them, but now, they are my new favorite band.

We then went with some of Steve's co-workers on a Saturday and took Davis along so he could see the animals.

And eat a turkey leg.

I then went back with some of my friends and the kiddos early on a Tuesday so we could beat the crowds.  That is the way to do this thing!  We were able to enjoy the petting zoo...until a fallow deer started eating dresses, and an alpaca pushed a child to the ground.

(Davis seemed to bond with the goats.)

We also saw a calf that was born about 4 hours earlier.  It wasn't really nursing all that well, so they brought in a bottle and the kids watched them feed the calf. (Poor mama cow was still waiting on her nurse to come clean her up....be thankful this picture caught this end of her.)

 Davis watched this chick hatch from it's shell.  I couldn't believe it kept his attention for so long.

 He got to pet bunnies and guinea pigs.

And even met Howdy, the mascot of the Show.

Then this happened:

 

And I melted.  And have not been the same since.

Here are the little cowboys/cowgirls:

In awe of the roller coaster.

The next day, a friend of mine and I ventured back to the Show (that's what we insiders call the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo if you haven't caught on yet) the following day to do this:

Why yes, that is a funnel cake, fried cheesecake, 2 turkey legs, and a chicken kabob.  And yes, we were still in our workout clothes when we at this monstrosity.  And yes, I do still feel sick.  But yes, it was de-lish-ous!  Thanks for asking.

Our final night of the visiting the Show was for the Jake Owen concert.  I really don't know too many of his songs, but he put on a really good concert.  You can tell he is newer in the business and still having fun.

So, moral of the story: next year, late February to mid-March, come to Houston and go to the Show.  But, try to go in the middle of the week early in the day.  It was perfect.