Sunday, June 30, 2013

What did that baby do to my body?????

Women with children will read this with sympathy, empathy, and compassion. The rest of you will read this and wonder how my husband is still attracted to me.  My feelings on the topic oscillate between the two periodically. 

Getting pregnant and having a baby was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to my body. 

The good: because I got fat, I had to start exercising regularly to lose it, and now am in the best shape of my life.

The bad (how long do you have?):
I got fat.  Although I managed to lose the weight, plus some, my body isn't the same. I swear my stomach was flatter before, even though I weigh less now. What kind of crap is that?

My boobies have not only shrunk, but plunged to their death. They are just so sad now.  So. So. Sad.

My hips pop all the time. I am guessing this is due to how much they had to spread to allow for the passage of my son's gigantic head. I can never sneak up on someone again.

I pee my pants.  Not all the time, but more than I am comfortable with. A lot of moms have this happen when they laugh too hard or sneeze. Mine occurs when I work out, which I now have to do.  Every single day during warmups at boot camp, while doing jumping jacks, I have to run to the bathroom as fast as I can. The problem is, by the time I get there, it is already too late.  Then I get to hang out in my pee pants for the next hour.  I find some comfort in the fact that I'm not alone; see the video below. 

I have wrinkles. Crows feet, forehead creases, smile lines, I got 'em all. Now, I understand part of this is just getting older, but I didn't suddenly age 15 years in the last 16 months....or did I?

I had a grey hair. I say had because I yanked it from my head with ninja-like speed. It was wiry and about the same length as my son's life. Maybe there is no connection here either, but the timing is suspicious. 

I sprained my ankle. You may say, "that doesn't make any sense," but stay with me for a minute. You see, the birth of my son has led to a reduction in my consumption of alcoholic beverages. This lack of consumption has led to a lower tolerance for alcohol. Also, gaining weight while pregnant and no longer working full-time has led to a lack of coordination in high heels. These two things together, combined with mass quantities of alcohol and a pair of heels, led to a fall, which sprained my ankle. 

As I write this, I am thinking I will print a copy every year on Davis' birthday so he can be reminded of the sacrifices that were made so he can live. I think he will really appreciate the part about my boobs. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Water Sports

Davis is a fish.  Well, a fish who doesn't swim yet...but that is not his fault.  I am trying to get him enrolled in swim lessons so he can show me what he is really made of.  In the meantime, the splash pad and water table will have to suffice. 

I had to censor this last one so he doesn't have another reason to hate me when he is a teenager.

Monday, June 3, 2013

First World Problems

Over the weekend I was enjoying a nice cold beer in a jacuzzi (rough life) solving all of the world's problems with a group of friends.  During this chat they all started talking about how the pool cabana at the club they belong to is under construction, and rather than serving their food on trays, they bring them in a paper bag.  The horror!  Now, I'm not judging or faulting these friends.  In fact, if I were paying the dues for this club, I would not only expect my food to be brought out on a sterling sliver tray with a doily, but I would also require 1, maybe 2, scantily dressed, very muscular men to fan me while I got some sun.  Maybe some spritzes of water too.

I turned to Steve while they were talking and said, "Ahhh...first world problems."  This got me thinking about other first word problems we (meaning me) like to complain about.

The practical problems:
1. My bed is too comfortable; it makes it hard to get up in the morning.
2. The dishwasher is full and now I have to do the rest of these by hand.
3. The hot water heater must be turned up too high; my shower was really hot.
4. It's too cold in here.  Will someone turn up the A/C?
5. My wireless internet is being temperamental.

The personal problems:
1. I'm bored and there is nothing on TV.
2. I have a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear.
3. The fridge is full but nothing sounds good.
4. My son has too many toys.
5. I broke a nail and now my manicure is ugly. (Don't laugh, this really happened to me.)

(Also, notice the cut on my middle finger.  So annoying.  But that is a different story for a different day.) 

Spoiled brat problems:
1. The Lexis is in the shop and they gave me a Toyota as a loaner.
2. The hotel on this free 4 star vacation could be nicer.
3. The nanny put my clean laundry away in the wrong drawers. (I am embarrassed to say, I have actually said this.)
4. I need a vacation from my vacation.
5. My house is so hard to keep clean because it is so big.

What a hard life we live, my friends.  I'm just proud of each of you for finding the strength to get through another day.