Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm going black...

...and by "black" I mean black smoke!

I am so over this cold weather. (Yes I know it is only Feb 8th, but I live in Houston!)  Damn Al Gore and his "Global Warming," which seems the past 2 years to have simply been a waste of money, has everyone so afraid of the melting icebergs that they are walking around on egg shells to protect this planet.  Well, how is that working out for you this winter?  I, for one, am in favor of global warming.  You can keep your Prius...I'm driving my gas-hog SUV to the beach!  This cold weather is bad for me on many levels...here are a few:

1.  My productivity greatly decreases.  When it is cold, similar to when it rains, I have to use every bit of strength that God gave me to get out of bed in the morning.  I just want to stay indoors where it is warm all day.
2.  My skin dries out.  This is good for my complexion, but terrible for my hands and feet. 
3.  I HATE artificial heat.  When I lived in Chicago people would laugh and say, "What other kind of heat is there?" and I would reply, "The kind from the sun!"  Artificial heat gives me nosebleeds and makes everything miserable with static. 
4.  I am pale.  I don't remember the last time I was this pale.  My happiness and self-esteem are directly related to the hue of my skin....needless to say, I'm grouchy right now.

So, as President and Founder of the "Think Black" campaign, I will be hosting the first annual Black Tire Burning fundraiser (like the play on words...black tie / black tire...hahaha).  There is a vacant lot across from my house we can use (which will conveniently place the hole in the ozone directly above my house).  Refreshments will be provided, just BYOT (bring your own tire).  Don't live in Houston?  Don't fret; I encourage my out of town readers to have a burning of their own in their back yards. 

I am headed to LA in a couple weeks to recruit some celebrities to help this catch on.  As we all have learned in the recent years, if you want to accomplish something, you must get Hollywood behind you. 

We will also be selling tshirts featuring our logo and slogan:
Let's Warm This Joint Up!

Before I get hateful responses....this is loaded with sarcasm.  ...ish

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